The True Story of the Demise of Voldemort
by Luthien Potter
Summary: V. Short, V. Stupid, V. OOC. Something to make you giggle on a bad day. The True Story of the Demise of Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy. Rated for 2 bad-ish words.


Hello, all you lovely people. Thank you for being interested in my first humor story! This is just a little something to read when you feel like you need to giggle after a bad day. Very short. Very stupid. Very OOC. I certainly hope you enjoy this, let me know if you've liked it! That's what the review button is for. Again, keep in mind that this is totally for fun! No flames, and if there are any, I shall use them to toast marshmallows and make s'mores. Yummy!  
  
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Draco Malfoy had a problem. A very large problem. ::No, not /THAT/ kind of problem, you sick minded person, you:: Today was his 18th birthday. That, in and of itself, wasn't the problem. The problem was that today, he was going to receive his Dark Mark, unless he could do something drastic enough to discourage his father and Voldemort from ever bothering him again. And so Draco sat in front of the fire in one of the large living rooms at Malfoy Manor, contemplating ways to get out of becoming a Death Eater.  
  
Eventually, though, the expected happened. Lucius Malfoy and the Dark Lord Voldemort burst into the room that Draco was occupying. Lucius was grinning. He thought that his son would be overjoyed to receive the mark.  
  
/Man, the proverbial shit is going to hit the fan on this one./ Draco thought as he turned to face the two men who had just come into the room.  
  
"My boy, tonight, your fondest wish is about to come true! All your dreams made real!" Lucius gave Draco a big grin, that faded slightly as Draco spoke.  
  
"Unless it's the one where I'm standing in sort of sun god robes on a pyramid with a thousand of naked men screaming and throwing little pickles at me,* I don't think I want any of my dreams to be made real, thanks." said Draco. His father and the Dark Lord looked at him blankly.  
  
"You guys have got to watch more movies." Draco muttered under his breath. Lucius clutched his chest dramatically. Voldemort scowled.  
  
"Draco. Son. Child of my loins. You will be in the Dark Lord's inner circle, second only to me! How can you not want that?!" Lucis looked ready to pass out.  
  
"Hmm, let's see. Let me think real hard, I know there was a reason. . .Oh! Yes! That stupid mask. Traps oil on the face. Leads to a horrible complexion, and I can't have that, now, can I?" Draco quipped lightly.  
  
"Boy, do you think to anger me?" Voldemort asked quietly.  
  
"Bingo, Johnny, give the deranged dark lord a prize!"  
  
"Draco Malfoy, are you in fact saying to me that you do not wish to join me and possibly become the most respected and feared Death Eater that the world has ever seen?" Voldemort asked incredulously.  
  
Draco rolled his eyes. "You really have to ask that question? Gee, Voldie, I really thought that you'd be smarter, having gotten where you are in the social status of the Dark Arts community. I guess that just goes to show that it's not always brains gets you to the top, hmm?" At the disrespect in Draco's voice, Voldemort got so angry that he went into an apoplectic fit and dropped dead, truly and sincerely dead, on the spot. Lucius looked down at his former master.  
  
"Well, my boy, you managed to do what Harry Potter never could. Who'd have thought the Dark Lord would have such a weak constitution? But now, you and I can rise to take his place!"  
  
Draco pretended to think this over for a moment, before saying with a thoughtful expression on his face, "No, thanks, dad. I really have better things to do."  
  
"What could be more important that this?" Lucius shouted.  
  
"Well, I was going to tell you, and I suppose this is as good a time as any: I am head over heels in love!"  
  
Lucius looked confused. "You have a girlfriend?"  
  
Draco was perturbed, to say the least. "Weren't you listening when I told you about the one dream I wanted made real earlier? No, daddy-dearest, I do not have a girlfriend. But my boyfriend is great. Sure he's about three years older than me, but he's really spectacularly good to me, and great in bed. He had a girlfriend for a while, but they broke up because he realized he like guys, and he said he's always thought that I was good- looking, so we got together, and-" But Draco never got to finish telling his father the story, as Lucius had dropped dead next to Voldemort from the shock of hearing that Draco, his only son and heir, was gay.  
  
"Just damn." Draco muttered, put out that he had not been able to tell his father all about his boyfriend. Then it dawned on him what had just happened. Draco stood there for a moment, before blinking rapidly a couple of times. His father was dead. Draco Malfoy, at eighteen years old, had inherited the Malfoy fortune. "Bloody hell." Draco ran to the fireplace and took a bit of the green floo communication powder from it's small pot on the mantelpiece. Throwing it into the fire, he said "The Burrow, please," After a moment, the very face he wished to see appeared in the flames.  
  
"Draco, my love, why are you contacting me here? If your father were to find out, the repercussions would be devastating!"  
  
"Percy, my dove, light of my life, my father just died! Quit the oxygen habit! Lay down for the eternal celestial dirt nap! I've inherited everything! We're free! And you and your entire family have to come live with me now at Malfoy Manor!"  
  
"He's dead?" Asked Percy, not quite believing it.  
  
"Yep! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled of his mortal coil! He's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible." At this, Draco paused. "Okay, so he probably didn't join an angelic choir. He was, after all, evil. But, yes, my red-headed love- muffin, Lucius Malfoy has definitely snuffed it! He is an ex-Death Eater! If I don't go nail him to the floor, he will soon be pushing up the daisies!"*  
  
And, "YIPPEE!" Was all Percy could think of to say to that.  
  
And that is the true story of the death of Lucius Malfoy and the Dark Lord Voldemort.  
  
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*I must give credit for that one to Val Kilmer in the movie "Real Genius". Brilliant movie, I've been watching to since I was a small child and it still makes me laugh every time I see it.  
  
*And that second one, if ya'll don't recognize it, is from the gods of comic television, Monty Python. The Parrot Sketch has always, ALWAYS been my favorite comic routine. Next comes the Cheese Shop, and then the Lumberjack Song. . .  
  
Anyway, I told you it was short and stupid. But I just had to get it out there. So here you go, from me to you. I hope it made you giggle.  
  
~Desertrain 


End file.
